It comes in waves, I hope one day it will stop, these feelings of self hate, they make me want to shout out a cry for help, but the world has made me change, I must stay silent don't let out the pain, "good vibes only, we don't want to hear your pain." They shout to me to stop, but the others want a show, a blood bath tonight sounds like a great delight,
Some want me to be safe, some call me out as fake, some say I'm a attention seeker, some say I'm a good friend, all I ever wanted was to make this world happy, but the negativity consumed me, as I tried to feel some love, all I heard were the mean shouts, the people that did care for me, their words made me feel better, but I couldn't be the light for them when all I saw was dark, I'm surrounded in the darkness and my blood feels cold as ice, my heart is tightened in anger oh how I don't want to feel this way, they pushed me to my limits and don't you know? Even good guys can break. [I wrote this yesterday after I went offline]
Today a police turned their lights on and pulled up behind me and I was like "oh my gosh!" I quickly slowed down but then he drove past me into the wrong side of the road. I was like "what the heck bro?!" Anyways, I drove across town to the comic store to get a comic for my lovely friend. I was only going to send comics, but I thought about it and I'm going to send a hat along with them. On my old account I asked if anyone wanted my autograph on a Pokemon card and I let everyone choose which Pokemon card they wanted. I took awhile to sort everything getting the end envelopes addressed and their names sorted out and whatnot. I was really overwhelmed, because I did more than just autograph a card for each person. I also wrote a personal message to each person. I told them they were amazing, handsome, beautiful, etc. I told the ones who I knew were struggling to stay strong and that they matter to people even if they don't know. I had so much fun writing the personal messages. Once people received their cards they found the little messages I had written. People said they were so happy receiving the card and that the personal message was a sweet bonus. That was honestly so fulfilling. At first some people had been worried about giving their address but then I explained how my address would also be on the envelope as well and it made them calmer about it. I made them promise they would stalk or hunt me and I promised them I wouldn't either. I've actually been thinking about making a P.O. Box for a long time, but I don't think it's necessary.
You are so precious, amazing, wonderful, stunning, worthy of love, and many other good things. So many that I can't possibly list them all in one post. You may not realize it yet but I hope one day you will. I hope you'll accept yourself and be able to love yourself in full capacity. It's so easy to love and care about others, but so hard to do the same for ourselves. Why? I don't know, but what I do know is that we must be kind to each other and only spread positivity. It's so easy to be negative and pick apart people, but we shouldn't ever do that. Even if someone's telling you to kill yourself. Some of you from the very beginning of my account may remember when someone made five accounts so they could comment all over my posts telling me to die and a bunch of other completely disgusting things. Well you also know how I handled it. I only sent them positivity. I dmed them and asked why they hated me so much and I went on to tell them I didn't mind them being mean to me, just as long as they didn't send hurtful things to anyone else. They said they couldn't stand that I was nice. I told them I was sorry and I told them I really wish I could make them happy but they went on to tell me they would hunt me down and kill me. I began to send them positive reminders and they stopped messaging me altogether. I hope they are doing well. I hope they are living a happy life, because they deserve happiness. Just as you do. Happiness is something everyone deserves and I'll do my best to cheer everyone up. I know I can't because some people are completely ignorant to my words and don't want help from me, but I'll do my best for the people who will listen. [100th! Post]
So anyways I noticed this guy and was like "Hey I know him and his family" I wasn't sure if I should go over to him because I hate speaking to people in real life. Well I walked around the whole place a few times as I decided I would speak to him. I walked up to him and was like "Hey your moms name is (insert name) right?" And he was like "yeah." The tone in his voice, and facial expression showed his surprise. I went on to tell him about staying at his mothers home and her feeding me dinner. I said his Aunts name and then gave him my name. I had met him at a party last year, but he didn't remember me haha. As we talked he grabbed a picture of himself and autographed it. He then gave it to me and I smiled and said "thank you" [part 2. end]
So basically I stayed up super late even though I should've went to sleep because comicon started early but I didn't haha. I was up until 4am. Anyways I went to comicon all day long and I didn't eat anything. I told myself early this morning I would fast and eat later and that's just what I did. When I first got to the building I was just sitting in the car and refused I get out. I was having so much social anxiety I was just texting some friends about it. Eventually I calmed down and was like "I must not let what others may be thinking about me hinder me from going to comicon and having fun" I then got out of the car and got my money ready to pay as I walked to the entrance. I got in line and there were four boys in front of me they were talking and stuff and then one of them looked at me and laughed. I felt bad, but I told myself maybe he wasn't laughing at me and even if he was, it shouldn't matter to me. The people directly behind me in line smelled like cigarettes and I hated the scent. The lady also stepped on the back of my foot and kept standing really close behind me. I was feeling pretty claustrophobic about being trapped in between the people in front and behind me. So basically to take my mind off of the situation I just looked at my phone and went through my texts. Eventually I reached the spot to purchase a ticket and I quickly handed the lady my money, and in return she handed me a wristband. I walked away and put it onto my left wrist. I looked at the floor and began walking to the other side of the auditorium. Once I reached the end, I looked up to see my surroundings. I saw comics for sale and I went through all the boxes. I was trying to find black panther and dead pool comics, but there weren't any. So I ended up getting batman, flash, and rocket raccoon comics. I walked around all the stands and looked at them. One in particular caught my attention. First I must explain something before I tell you about it though. There's usually special guests at comicon. For instance I met the guy who played the black power ranger and also the woman who was the yellow power ranger at different comicons. [part 1]
Do you hear the crowd?
Their voices fill the air,
Their footsteps tap the ground,
And are accompanied with the sound, of music being blasted from a car, in the distance a siren goes off.
Do you feel the weather?
The clouds shade the ground, as the rain drizzles down windshields, it's a dreary day, and the temperature is cool.
Do you sense the surroundings?
Buildings tower over you, and a subway causes the ground to rumble, a feeling of being watched consumes you, your surroundings fill you with nervousness.
Do you smell the culture?
Aromas of food from a stand drift to your nose, the scents of car emissions reach you, someone walks by and you get a whiff of cologne, then a homeless person passes you and a wretched scent fills your nose and causes you to pity them.
Do you see the city?
Filled with people of every origin,
People of every class, the buildings catch your gaze, and pigeons pass you by as you are standing on the sidewalk.
Do you ever dream? If so what are they usually about? I myself have never really dreamt nice things much. Usually I have nightmares. I'll go over a few dreams that I've had over the years. Once I was in Narnia and I was about to enter a building there but then I woke up. I was so upset it wasn't real. Another time I had a dream I saw Zayn walking down my street and I invited him to my house and we just sat around and talked. Another one, was where I was at the airport and I met up with someone who was famous but I'm not sure who. Mainly I can't ever remember any dreams I have. I always remember the nightmares but I'm not going to talk about them because they aren't happy and they'll just make you sad or something.
change a person from bad to good, was that you can't unless the person wants to truly change. The other person who was late showed up and sat next to me on my right side. We all received our food at the same time and began eating. It was really good but a little pricey. After eating everyone just kept talking and dinner ended up lasting two and a half hours. [stop]
I was the first person to arrive at the restaurant today. I stood outside in the cold as I waited for the others to show up. The front parking spots had been open when I entered the parking lot but I left them open for the girls. Standing out front one person saw me and walked over and then another. Soon enough everyone showed up except for two people. We entered the restaurant and told the waiter it was a party of eight. We were then given a 15 minute wait. We all took a seat in the waiting area and talked about bowling. Mainly I just sat and listened as the girls talked. I observed them and noticed how pretty they all are when they are dressed how they want to look. The waiter came and got us after the table was set up and we all briskly walked to our table. I noticed everyone was wearing something grey, whether it be their shirt or shoes etc. Everyone looked over their menus and then we waited for the other two people to arrive. Everyone ended up talking about stuff as we waited. Eventually one of them showed up and we decided to order since it had been 20 minutes of waiting. We went back to talking, well mainly they talked and I listened along. They ended up talking about books and there was a wild discussion about John Green. People were talking about what books they were reading and I wasn't able to since I don't read. The attention was put on this one girl who wouldn't talk about or even say what she was reading . She just kept blushing, so some people on my end starting talking about their books they liked. Eventually the blushing girl told us the book and it was none other than "50 Shades of Grey" I seriously almost died laughing, because I mean I run this grey account and like everyone's always commenting about it. There ended up being a huge discussion about the book and I just sat there smiling. In my head I was just like "This is so freaking wild, Fifty shades of Grey is getting a huge discussion." They debated whether it was realistic and if you can truly change a person from being abusive and whatnot. It was quite a nice intelligent conversation, I really enjoyed it. The conclusion to the question of if you can actually [continued on next post]
The suns beaming down on me like a spotlight, when suddenly a German shepherd runs in front of me. I leave the pathway and walk over to a black metal bench to rest. I feel the coldness from it as I sit down. The wind is wildly blowing the air every which and way as I'm deciding whether or not I like the coolness of the bench. It happens again...another dog has walked up to me. This time it's a hunting dog with fur that looks grey as far as I can tell. The random breezes of wind send chills across my body, when I witness the third scuffle amongst the dogs. All of them mutts....I don't have anything against mutts. They are nice just as purebreds are. I've seen purebreds get at it against each other as well. It's just a normal thing in the world of canines. Katniss plays with all the dogs. She's a well mannered Sibe. Most Sibes I've met have actually tried to fight with her which is lame. I've always wanted her to have other Sibe friends haha. Anyways, back to the world. I watch as children run by and dogs come and go with their owners. I catch glimpse of Katniss and three other dogs running after each other. The three dogs are as follows: a German shepherd, a dog the colour of the cartoon bear Yogi, and a Hershey's milk chocolate brown dog. I see a black and white husky but I don't really like it. It's more of a loner and runs to its owner to get away from Katniss. The wind and cold air is getting to me. I think I shall depart soon.
You know what I don't understand? Is how people can just be mean to people. It's like they don't even realize what damage they could be causing to someone mentally or even physically. I don't understand why people spread lies and empty rumors about people. It's completely pointless and just cruel. Do people who treat people badly not think about how they are making others feel? You never know what someone's going through so you should never be mean to anyone. What if their mom just died, and you're treating them poorly or making fun of them for crying? How do you think that feels for them? I bet you'd hate for someone to be so mean to you, so don't be mean to others. What if something bad happens to you and I just laugh at you and make a joke about it? You'd feel hurt and sad. So you see that's how people you make fun of and treat badly feel. Be nice and spread positivity not hate and negativity. The world would be a lot nicer to be in if everyone would try and be kind to each other. If you don't have anything positive to say just keep it to yourself rather than spreading negativity into the atmosphere.
Anyways here's a challenge for you. Try and be kind to everyone you come into contact with regardless of how they treat you. Who knows? maybe the person being mean is having a bad day and you being kind to them may surprise them and make them feel better and realize they should be nice. Of course I'm not saying just let them tread over you. Stand up for yourself if you have to but stay non violent 💓✨
I look to my right and see a ransacked gas station. But I lose sight of it as I'm moved forward, because I'm in a vehicle. I wish I could snoop around there. I probably won't pass by there ever again. Ten minutes later now, and the truck is stopped and I'm just sitting here as I watch a man pushing a bicycle up the hill towards me. Once he reaches the tree near me he gets on it and rides away. I wonder if when I looked at him and he saw me looking at him if he thought I was an entitled jerk. As soon as he saw me looking I looked away. If he thought that I don't really mind. If I were him and I saw me just sitting there in the big truck I'd think that as well. I really hope I don't ever come off as entitled or as a jerk to people who see me out and about. I hope they don't see my silence as rude. I smile and will wave at people, but I have trouble speaking. A lot of times I trip over my words when I speak, even though I'm ok at writing. I remember one day I saw a homeless guy so I ran home and made him a sack of food. I gave it to him but I didn't say anything. I bet he thought I was weird haha. I'm glad I was able to feed him. Sometimes I see homeless people on the sides of the roads and I always feel bad I don't have money to give them. But if I have food with me I'll give it to them. Usually I have fries with me to share.
Passage two: My last memory was of myself lying in bed thinking about the Taco Bell incidents, when *zap!*.....visions begin flooding into my head. All I can see are flames surrounding Taco Bell buildings. I yell "stop!" but nothing happens. The images keep going through my head then suddenly triangle shaped tacos are displayed in my head and they are floating around in the air and make the symbol of a bell. Then *snap* as quick as the visions appeared they are now gone. I'm thrown back into reality and open my eyes. I look around my room as a puzzled expression is shown across my face. "What does this mean? What is happening!" I feel as though I've lost my mind. I need to go eat something I tell myself in my head. I go to the kitchen and pull out some spinach and pour it onto a plate. Then I put some Doritos on the plate as well. I eat some as I walk over to my couch. I think of what I should do about the Taco Bell incidents, maybe I should investigate...
Sometimes I sit around wondering about names. I really don't like them. What's the point in having a name if there's someone else that's going to have the same name. I feel like everyone should have an individual name just for them. It used to drive me crazy at school when there were three Brandon's in my class and whatnot. At one point in my life my two close friends both had brothers named Josh and they both were dating a guy named Josh. Like what the heck?! It was really weird. I mean I'm sure I'll end up dating someone with a common name and I don't mind. My name though, is quite original and pretty odd. It's been a source of material for people to make fun of me. It's fine though, because no one else has it. My while life I've tried to be something people wanted me to be or whatever and it sucks. I just wanted to be myself and I never got to be. I spent my time trying to live up to people's standards. People who didn't even really care about me. I don't even know them or see them nowadays. It's crazy how we waste our money on things to impress people we don't even like. For instance, I like shoes. Well, I used to get shoes that other people thought were cool, but I didn't necessarily like them. These past years though I've gotten the kind of shoes I love regardless of other people's opinions on them. I mean look, at the end of the day it's just you, not anyone else.
If you only get certain styles of like clothes, accessories, etc just to impress people and you don't even like what you're wearing, I say you should stop and think. Get what you like and rock it! Be yourself, don't be a part of the crowd. Be an individual in a world of followers. Nothing bothers me more than people who just follow along with what everyone else says. I'm just like "ah you have so much potential don't waste it trying to fit in" Don't be afraid to stand out, be original, screw the system. Everything about you is perfect, even if you don't think so yet. I hope if you take one thing from what I've written today that you remember to just be you. Don't fake your life, live it fully your way and on purpose ✨💓🙌
[I'm sorry my mind changed subjects in the middle of it]
Earlier today, I was walking down the sidewalk and when I reached the end near the street I turned around. I was going to run back and forth on the sidewalk, but when I looked down the sidewalk there were two girls walking towards me. I spun around quickly and crossed the street. There was no way I was going to walk or run past them to get down the sidewalk. I kept walking forward so they would never catch up to me. I turned around once I arrived at the end of the block to see if they were still there, alas they were still behind me. So I then turned back around and took a right down the same block instead of crossing the street and going even further away from where I wanted to go. I was going to walk around the whole block so I could get back to the sidewalk I wanted to reach. But then I changed my mind halfway down one side of the block and I turned around. I retraced my steps and reached the corner of the block that led to the sidewalk I wanted to be on. But to my left I saw those girls. Again! I was feeling frustrated but I calmly walked across the street to my sidewalk. As soon as my feet (I had shoes on) touched the sidewalk I ran all the way down it. I was trying to stay away from the girls. But then they started walking down it towards me. It's like they were secretly following me. They passed me but I stayed away from the sidewalk when they did. Honestly they probably thought I was a weirdo because I wouldn't walk past them like a normal person. The problem is I was scared of them. Sometimes I get really bad social anxiety and I freak out. It makes me seem weird and I hate it. It causes me to act odd. I don't usually have it as bad as I did today which is good. I did go to the store by myself today and talk to the guys working there and I was able to ask them for the shoes I wanted. I think I was a little awkward but it was all good. I'm a lot better about being around strangers when I have my friends around me, but of course I have to be solo sometimes and don't always have someone who can be with me. I've honestly progressed so far and I'm happy about it. I still have a ways to go but that's fine by me. [I think this post may be a little confusing]
Have any of you stopped to think about hamburgers? Why do we call them hamburgers when they are actually beef burgers. I mean obviously not all the burgers people eat are beef, but generally at fast food chains they are burgers made of beef. Yet they are called hamburgers. It's somewhat of a mind f*** if you think about it. I've started calling them beef burgers and it makes people confused sometimes. The funniest thing was when I was eating a ham sandwich and I said I was eating a hamburger and someone said "no you aren't!" And I was just like "...actually I am and you're eating a beef burger" [Dear vegetarians, please don't scream at me in anger about me eating meat. I'm sorry if I offend you by writing about eating meat. Never have I yelled at people for eating vegetarian foods so it'd be nice if I could get some respect for my food lifestyle.]
Alright so I think I'm just going to list out things I like so you can get to know me better. Likes: pigs, music, skulls, pianos, skateboarding, wolves, fries, hoodies, the colours grey, red, black, white, blue, etc. Japan, basketball shoes, conspiracies, Huskies, spreading positivity, YouTube, crime shows, traveling, drums, cats, tank tops, snow, Atlanta (basically any big cities to be honest), making people happy, being on stage, writing, outer space, trees, art museums, being goofy, driving for hours on end, exploring new things, guitars, ukuleles, lions, tattoos, chocolate, tacos [my internet gave out yesterday evening]
Alright so I'm going to write this up here and now, because if I don't say it now people may flip out on me. I really want everyone to stop asking me what I look like ok. Like please, who cares. It has nothing to do with my writing and shouldn't even matter. I hate talking about myself and I'd love that you all respect my wishes to stay anonymous. Also I'll add this on. If you get so upset over me leaving a Dm from you on read or taking a long time to respond. Please leave. I'm a real person who has a real life and it can't revolve around talking to you. I have to keep my priorities in check. Spending my time on Instagram doesn't pay bills, so please respect that I'm an actual person who has responsibilities other than opening your Dm. And before you start shouting "you don't care about us blah blah blah" you clearly have a problem and think the worlds revolves around you if that's your first thought after reading what I've just said. And look honestly I could have never opened a single Dm, because some people don't even care to answer or even say hi when people message them. And I'm gonna be honest if you've been left on read it's probably because the conversation was really dry, Instagram crashed on me and I was continually getting messages so your username went lower and I couldn't find it, or I thought we were on good terms. Oh yeah and you wanna know how many times I've been left on read...haha a lot, but I my get offended or flip out. I stay chill. What if something came up and they had to get off their phone? What if they have to go to an appointment, etc the list goes on. Anyway if you're going to be selfish and angry at me hit unfollow I don't care if you're here or not. This account was made for me to anonymously write my thought and whatever I feel like writing. And to entertain people and give them spending to look forward to. I also like to spread positivity each day and wish everyone a good day or remind people to eat something. Sometimes I'll write inspirational little things when they come to me and put them on the story. It's all part of the experience of following along with my account. You never know what you're going to get.